Feeling Lost...

Monday, 14 November 2016

'I'm lost. Or. I'm feeling lost. To be honest, I'm not really sure which one of these statements ring most true to me at this present moment in my life.'

Recently I have been experiencing, feeling, struggling and fighting with so many things, that I just don't even know what it is that I am feeling anymore. Once again, I'm just going to spew out all of my emotions, thoughts and feelings in the hope that I can wrangle some kind of comprehensible piece of prose together, that you guys can understand.

So, basically...mostly...mainly...I feel stuck. I am stuck, I'm as stuck as stuck can be. I feel like I'm stuck in an infinite game of stuck in the mud that sees no end.

You see, I've tried to be positive and tell myself "You're only as stuck as you feel Heath" or "You'll soon become unstuck" but the negative thoughts keep on trailing through.

I'm stuck in a rut. I'm stuck in a weird thing with this guy, who I don't even think knows there is a thing with us, so technically it's not really a thing...right?  But it's driving me mad and it's confusing the shit out of me, because I just have no idea how he really feels about me and I hate being in the unknown. Then there's me feeling stuck with my career. Everywhere I go, everyone I speak to, continues to tell me what a dead end career Psychology is. CBT? You've got psychiatrists for that. What do you need psychologists for? And I know I shouldn't listen to what negativity others are spewing about my chosen field, but I keep on hearing it, and it's really starting to creep doubts into my aching mind. And it doesn't help that there are such little jobs for so many aspiring psychologists. Not to mention feeling absolutely, dead stuck in blogging. I love blogging and I love the blogging community, but I have started to grow tired of what the industry has become and is still evolving into. The change has left me uninspired and de-motivated to blog.

I'm lost because I don't know when I stopped being a bad-ass bitch who didn't give a f*ck about what others thought about me, to this mousy person who has started to sell herself short and de-value her worth. I'm lost because I have all of these ideas for all of these great side projects that I can't seem to organise into an orderly sequence of importance and it's making me fizz and boil because I so desperately feel the need to achieve something great. And this frustrates me, because I don't know when I became the kind of person to feel the need to achieve something great to prove my worth to people.

If I am being completely honest, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be. And I don't know where I'm going. Sometimes I stop and think 'Do any of us really know where we're going or know who we want to be?' and I think no, no we don't, but then I always think that I should. I'm the girl who has always had her shit together and I guess in some ways this has had more of a negative impact on me than a positive one. However nowadays I feel like the shit is piling on top of my tired body and there is no hope of resolve. I don't know. So yeah, I'm lost...

Emotional spew done. Over and out.

Scribbling Away Xx

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1 comment:

  1. Hi,reading this I totally understand where you're coming from. I hope a month on your feeling more 'like yourself' if you know what I mean. Just know your not alone and it's definitely helped me to read your experience of feeling lost...Anne x


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