Saturday, 3 September 2016

Feeling alone, is an emotion I have felt for a very long time, perhaps since my childhood and now in present day, it ceases to leave my heart.

I've always found it such a funny thing, how we can be surrounded by dozens of people, yet still feel so alone. How we can experience the most positive of things and still feel so negative and unhappy inside. How we can be shown all of the love and still feel so empty. Empty enough to feel alone. This is exactly how I feel most days of the week. 

You see, it's a funny old thing this loneliness business. I grew up with a mum, a dad and two brothers, countless friends, and plenty of work colleagues/friends so I was always surrounded by people, I was never really alone. So whenever I tell people that sometimes I feel lonely, they look baffled. 

But there's nothing to be baffled about. Loneliness is an emotion, a feeling, not an action, therefore it can't be substituted by doing, it is substituted by feeling. And although I have always been surrounded by lots of lovely people to "do" things with, inside I wasn't always feeling there in the moment, which led me to then recluse and isolate my feelings to only my mind, which in turn led to my loneliness.

As a result of this loneliness, it has led me to search high and low for a solution to my problem. I always thought that the solution would be finding that special someone and creating a brand new life together. Many a time, I actually thought I had found this special "soulmate", however, my now innate "loneliness" stopped me from taking a leap and letting myself truly love. I pushed them away, because the thought of someone being by my side for eternity, terrified me. The thought of no longer being lonely, made my heart bleed.

You see, I had experienced this feeling of being alone for so long, that when something good finally came around, I didn't know how to handle it. I sabotaged it, because my mind was telling me that I didn't deserve it. My mind told me that it needed to be alone and that loneliness was the only place I knew. 

I guess the real problem is that I hide inside my own mind, and while this can be helpfully introspective at times, it can also be incredibly isolating and debilitating. I am working on being more open; open to change, open to to love. And I only hope, that within time, my loneliness will subside, I will be able to let people in and I will no longer feel alone.

Do you ever feel lonely? And if you do, what do you do to combat the loneliness? Do you feel as if you will always be alone? I would love to hear your thoughts on loneliness, so please do leave your comments below. 

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