I'm Tired...

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

I'm tired today. Just like I was tired yesterday and I'm sure I'll be tired tomorrow aswell. I'm just tired.

Do you ever just wonder what you're doing with your life and where it's going? Do you ever just feel like you're stuck in auto-pilot with no chance of switching off? Do you ever feel like you're searching for something, but you don't know what it is, but you're sure as heck, that - whatever it may be, holds the key to your happiness? Do you ever feel so tired that you just want to give up...on everything and everyone?
I don't know how to comprehend or put this post into words, so I'm just going to type and hope for the best (god knows that's how I completed my best university essays!). Just before I start, this is not an 'Oh woe is me' type post, it's not even supposed to be rant-y, it's just a way for me to express how I'm feeling, in the hope that someone else may feel the same and I might not feel as alone with these feelings.

Over the past few years of my life, from the end of High school, throughout Sixth form college, straight through to university, right up to this very damn moment to which I compose this blog post, I have worked every inch and fibre of my being to it's utter most hardest and only now am I starting to see the effects of this (both good and bad). Just to put things into perspective, I went on my first "real" holiday August 2010, following the end of high school and my GCSE's and haven't been anywhere since - this was technically my last real break from work. I worked my arse off at Sixth Form, trying to achieve the best grades, trying to be the "perfect" Head Girl, dealing with insecurity woes and a sporadic onset of sadness, of which was to become the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. During this time I started working part time for a retail company and also tried juggling a voluntary job in a mental health home. Moving on to university (this is where things really changed), the constant hard work ensued. University assignments, tests, the stress of failing modules and losing my summer to retakes, continuing on with my retail job, driving lessons, dealing with more personal issues, starting a second job (which was challenging, both mentally and emotionally) and then dealing with the sadness, that was now developing into a full-blown depression. 

Jheeze, that's a lot of things isn't it, I'm not seeing the point at which I actually come up for air and have a little bit of a breather, do you? Flash forward to current day: Uni is over, but the work and the auto pilot mode is stronger than ever, I now work two jobs, one full-time, one part time, both in mentally and emotionally challenging settings. Dealing with personal and family struggles. Writing content for two online magazines, trying to write a novel and various other writing ventures. And just generally trying not to piss of my friends and family with my lack-lustre enthusiasm when it comes to going anywhere that doesn't involve my work or career. Which brings me back to the beginning - I'm tired.

You see, I'm a hardworker (too hard for my own good), an overachiever (always striving to achieve more and more) and a perfectionist (who sees anything less than perfect, a fail) and it's killing me slowly. While there's nothing wrong with working hard and wanting to achieve all of  your hopes and dreams (a.k.a being ambitious) there's a line, and if that line is crossed, you journey over into the murky waters of exhaustion, a permanent existence on auto pilot and missed opportunities and life experiences, which you will find very difficult to climb back out of.

When I tell people about the things I've done over the years, they tell me I'm crazy. They wonder how I do it. They tell me to take a bloody holiday. They tell me to live. And that's when it occurs to me. I haven't bloody been living, I've been stuck in auto-pilot mode for so long, that I've forgotten how to, but it's time to break that! So, recently I've been doing a lot of self-analyzing (as you do so often when you're a psych grad!) and I've come up with the conclusion as to why I work, work and work all the time. It's to fill some kind of void. I'm trying to prove myself in some way, to whom and why, I don't know (perhaps I need Freud for that part) but I'm determined to kick the habit.

I guess this is the exact same reason I started the '6 Impossible Things' series. It was and I quote myself here "To start colouring outside of the lines" What happened to that huh? I abandoned it, that's what.

I want to travel and see the world, I want to go on dates with cute boys. I want to stop spending my entire life at work, because as much as I enjoy it - it's sucking the life out of me. I want to explore the nooks and crannies of my beautiful United Kingdom, with an avocado in one hand and a wine bottle in the other (because honestly what else do you need). I want to do things on a whim, and "just because". Not becuase I've meticulously planned it for months and months prior. I want to start doing things for me. Not the overachiever/auto-pilot/perfectionist me. Just the core, real, living me. And only once I do these things, will I start to live. Right now, I'm not living, I stopped living a long time ago! But it's time for this to change, because I'm tired of not living and I'm tired of feeling tired. 

So that's why I'm tired guys. I'm not quite sure whether this post is comprehensible in any way, but I just wanted to write freely whatever came into mind, almost like a Free association blog post (Psych people, you feel me?) I hope you enjoyed reading this and do let me know in the comments if you are experiencing any of the feelings or emotions I'm feeling and what techniques you may be using to help counteract them, I could really do with some help in learning how to not work so hard! I love y'all!

As always, thank you for reading buds! Until next time I'm...


Scribbling Away Xx 


Find me on:

8 comments:

  1. Heather you are truly an amazing person and I 100% feel you on this post! I spend so much of my time working and I wonder why? I'm not enjoying the life I'm working so hard to create so isn't it all just kind of a waste? You definitely need a holiday girl, you deserve one! XO -Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww Kim you lovely, amazing person, thank you! It's crazy isn't it, why do we torture ourselves so? I know! And you too missy! You work super hard, especially on your blog! :) Your comments always make my day girl!

      Heather Xx

      Delete
  2. I really loved this post! We should all just try and not be so hard on ourselves right? But it's hard when you're a perfectionist... Great post!

    Sophie xx | www.sophieannehamilton.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed the post Sophie, I was nervous about sharing it! It's true, we really should try, but yes it really is so hard!! :( But we will get there eventually, I am determined to not let this be my life anymore! :) Thank you for your comment!

      Heather Xx

      Delete
  3. An avocado in one hand and wine in the other...you're basically my soul mate haha!

    I know how you feel, back in 2014 I felt exactly the sam. I was stuck in a revolving door of nothingness until I realised I was watching my life pass me by. So I made a list of all the things I wanted to achieve that year. Some where big, like going on a big holiday and some were small, like going to specific places in London or trying new foods. But honestly it was the best thing I've ever done. I just started to live and finally do things I've always wanted to do...but never planned to do them!

    Don't let time pass you by my love, get out there, see, smell and taste the world. You only live once!

    Good luck and stop beating yourself up! You're a bloody success! :)

    Kirsty London || http://blessedbymeow.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's the best combination tbh haha! :p

      Oh Kirsty you have no idea how much hearing that you have been in the same situation and have found a way out has given me hope! I love this list idea of big and small things, I most definitely need to give it a go, it sounds like it has honestly and truly helped!

      You're so right, life is for living! And thank you so much beaut, your words mean so much, you rock girl! :D

      Heather Xx

      Delete
  4. Enjoyed reading your post. I do understand how you feel. And nice pictures! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I understand how you feel. Every since school I have worked EXTREMELY hard and I've always been a bit of a perfectionist, but it got to a point where I just felt tired and miserable and depressed, especially during my A Levels where I was working extremely hard but I just wasn't getting the grades I wanted. Plus, all my life I'd always put my effort into being the good kid/friend/peer/classmate/flatmate/housemate yet nothing I did was ever good enough, and I just wasn't getting anywhere with my life. I was just existing on autopilot.

    Nowadays I make sure I have 'me' time and I try to put myself first. I remember for years I didn't have a break, I was always studying or working, now I try to relax as much as possible, and I try to tell myself that I don't need to be perfect or an over-achiever in order to get somewhere in life. As long as I'm ambitious and hardworking, that's enough.

    Chichi
    chichi-writes.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete

Got any thoughts on this post? Feel free to leave a comment and I will always reply back! Thank you for your support.
100 Ways to 30 Xx