Learning, Loving & Living in 2015

Thursday, 31 December 2015

When I look back at how much I have changed over the course of 2015, I find it hard to believe and to remember that the feelings I used to feel and the person I used to be actually existed. 

I've spoken before of my dark years of 2012-2014 and have recapped on my 2014 year in this new years post from last year. So I'm not going to repeat myself and open up a whole can of worms that quite frankly needs to stay shut now, but I want to talk about the power of life, the power of loving life and the power of learning about life and who you are.

I started 2015, a shadow of my former self, I was bitter, angry, subdued, stressed and dark. However, somehow, amongst these somewhat negative feelings, I always had this inner burning of hope, a feeling that one day, things would get better, a feeling that my psyche would normalise to the state of equilibrium that I had grown so accustomed to know. Yes, in 2015 I was feeling all of these horrible feelings, but amongst the pain, I also fought. I fought hard against all the barriers of life, I fought against my new and unwelcoming world and I fought against myself and the foreign emotions that had set up shop inside of me. If I hadn't fought, if I hadn't lived before, if I hadn't loved and if I hadn't learned to live, these negative emotions would have probably invaded and taken control of the new "Heather" that I was slowly becoming.

In 2015, I began a journey. I began a journey to become a happier person, to regain back what I could of my former self and to begin a journey of change. I began this process by admitting that I had some issues that needed sorting out. I then proceeded to stop doing that thing that I so often do; in which, I bottle everything up inside me for weeks, months and years on end, until it eventually manifests itself into an EVEN bigger problem. I then began treatment, and I don't just mean medical treatment - I mean treatment for my partially f*&%ed up life. Life treatment, included therapy, lifestyle changes, talking more, opening up more, trusting people more, joining in on more twitter chats and just slowly making little tweaks here and there until I slowly started to see a change. I set myself goals, I initially started off small, and then eventually moved on to setting bigger goals for myself, when I felt ready. They gave me a purpose, they gave me strength and a chance to believe in myself again.
 Eventually I became a lot more laidback, the things that used to give me disgusting amounts of stress and heart palpitations, were now being tossed to one side without a second glance and I was just...getting on with my life, I suppose. Free from heartache and worry - Eventually I was learning.

Eventually week by week, as the months went on, I had anonymously nominated a close friend of mine to be the person who I shared something that I had bottled up inside with. Each week I would share personal and private information with said person, I was opening up, I was trusting more. Over time, I didn't feel guilty for sharing anymore, like I used to. I felt like this person could empathise and I didn't feel weak for doing so. I felt lighter...I felt happier. Eventually -  I was letting people in and I was loving.

Eventually as the months passed, the summer months kicked in and 2015 began to draw to a close, I started to reflect. I reflected on the summer before, and how that was probably one of my lowest moments, how I had felt the most worthless at that time. I then realised that despite all that, I was still here, one year later. Standing strong, healthy and almost...happy. I was here, I was making goals, I was looking forward to the future. Eventually, I was living.

Life can throw a whole worldwind of events at us sometimes, some more vicious than others. The trick is to not let it keep you down, as hard as it may be. Take your experiences and learn from them. Take the people who are already in your life and love them. And take all that you still have and learn to LIVE. In 2015, I really lived by this, and I am pleased to say, I am the happiest I have been in a long time - and I mean truly happy. I only hope 2016 brings me the same level of joy, insight, knowledge and good health that I had for 2015 and I will only wish the same for all of you aswell! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY and don't forget to learn, love and live!

How was your 2015? What are you looking forward to most about 2016?


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2 comments:

  1. Loved reading this <3 You're a strong person and I hope 2016 continues on to bring you so much happiness xx

    Renee | Lose the Road

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  2. This was such a great post Heather! I'm so happy to hear how much happier you are, it's super inspiring to read how your strength and positivity got you to where you are now. I hope 2016 continues to be a great year for you! :) x

    Beauty Dressed

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