The Blogger Behind the Curtain

Friday, 13 November 2015

I will admit as a young girl growing up, right up until my graduation day at university I always felt a little bit different, weird, not like most people and almost like I didn't fit in. I mean it wasn't that I didn't have friends, I did, but I guess it was due to the fact that I wasn't like most of the girls at my school. At high school I chose books over boys (although I did like them, they just never liked me back haha!) and my idea of a prom dress was a skater skirt, a waistcoat and a hat (I told you I loved my hats). As I went to university this didn't change, my anxiety took over however and I somehow felt more estranged from everyone than ever. I mean yes I would go out to the clubs, but I was usually the only one out of my friends who didn't have a boyfriend, had retakes every summer (thanks to my good old friend depression) and preferred to stay in, watch gossip girl and just be by myself (another nod to you there depression!). People didn't understand this and so I left university feeling like an outsider, even though I was kind of an insider - if that makes any sense!

But lo and behold along came blogging and gee whizz did I catch a looker! Haha gee whizz - what even is that phrase?! Anyway I began blogging in the later part of 2014, however as I was in my third year at university and trying not to get a third class degree and fail, blogging took a back seat and I never really fully immersed myself into the community! 

It wasn't until around June when I finished university that I finally had some time on my hands, that I really threw myself into this bloody, fantastical, wonderful and amazing community! And I was so happy, happy becuase for once I saw people like me, I spoke to people who liked weird and wacky things like me, I got to know people who would've gone to their prom dressed up in a waistcoat and a hat - I felt like I belonged for once, I felt at ease and I felt comfortable. People weren't calling me weird anymore and I didn't feel like I had to manipulate certain aspects of myself just to fit in! 

However, while I feel so comfortable in the community I still feel slightly like an outsider - which is possibly - totally contradicting my above statement haha - what can I say I'm indecisive! What I mean is sometimes I still feel like an outsider in the community and that's not because of you guys, it's more so an ongoing battle I have with myself - that I'm trying to make right.

I love chatting, networking and getting to know people, but my inability to trust people is so strong that it forces me to overthink and analyse every single relationship or conversation I have with another human being - which very well could also be the crazy psychologist within me too! What I'm saying is, sometimes I'll want to tweet a blogger I've gotten to know and ask how they're doing but I'll chicken out and not do it! Or I'll want to start conversations with more bloggers but I just get worried that they won't like me - stupid I know! And while I love myself and I'm happy with the person that I am - warts and all - although I don't actually have any warts, so that statement doesn't apply, but it just seemed fitting!

But yeah, even though I love the person that I am, a part of me still worries that people won't like me or that they're going to think I'm weird again - just like in high school. Ahh I don't know, this is hard to put down on paper - I do hope it's comprehensible, don't hate me if it's not though!
I don't know, I guess today I just wanted to get a little bit more personal as I don't like to do that much on here, but sometimes it's nice to get to know a bit more about the blogger behind the blogging curtain - hence my overly cheese filled title! So if you find that sometimes I'm not as interactive as some of the other bloggers, or as friendly and chatty, it's not because I don't like you, I do, it's just that sometimes I find it hard to interact with people and form close relationships with them for fear of trust, me being too weird or just not being "fleeky" enough *sigh* that killed me to say that word.

But yeah I bloody love you blogging community and all you have done for my confidence and my very private nature, you have opened me up - and made me a happier and more motivated person. I'm still working on me - just give me a bit of time. And until then let us walk off into the sunset together, and live happily ever after. That did not make any sense, I'm not making any sense...I'm going to go now. Bye. Oh and thanks for reading!

Do you find it hard to form relationships too? Can we be friends?
Scribbling Away Xx 


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11 comments:

  1. Awww Heather, I think you are so lovely! I understand your hesitance to sometimes reach out to other bloggers on a personal level though, because you never know if the blogger is as nice as they seem, although I've found most definitely are! I always love to get to know the actual blogger behind the blog, so this was nice post to read! You are a really amazing, gifted and genuine person, and that really shows! XO -Kim

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    1. Aww thank you so much Kim! And that's what I always worry about too, but all the bloggers I have met so far (including you) are amazing! Which make me feel a little bit silly for worrying in the first place haha! Kim you are just such a sweetie with an AH-MAZING blog, defo one of my fave blogging girls! :)

      Heather Xx
      100waysto30.co.uk

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  2. I can relate to this so much! I find it takes me so long to become comfortable in a certain environment that sometimes, by the time I'm comfortable, everything becomes uprooted and I have to start fresh somewhere else. It's a very frustrating feeling. But I found blogging is different (after my first little while being nervous in my comments) because you realise you're part of this community and while people and friends come and go there are always more new, open, similar people around. It's pretty incredible!

    Erin
    http://sexycardi.blogspot.ca

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    1. YES EXACTLY, it really is frustrating! But yeah you're right blogging is different in that way and the community is awesome! Thank you for commenting lovely! :)

      Heather Xx

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  3. It's wonderful to be a little bit weird and a little bit different. I felt much like yourself at school too! But I'm glad you've found a community that you love and don't be afraid to talk! :)

    Saskia / girlinbrogues.com

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    1. YESS I agree, I love the weird and the wonderful! Thank you lovely, I'm glad too and yes I really am getting a lot more chatty now! Thank you for commenting sweets! :)

      Heather Xx

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  4. This is such a lovely post. So much honesty in being able to write this. The blogging community love you. Keep up the good work.

    amandabootes.co.uk

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  5. Heather this is such a brilliant post. I can relate to so, so much of this. Not the depression as I'm lucky enough to not have it but feeling like an outsider, feeling too shy to write to someone, just generally being conscious of every decision made and every word spoke. If it helps (which it probably won't) you are definitely not an outsider in the blogging world and I look forward to your posts/love chatting to you online. Hope you're ok girly!

    Elle
    www.theellenextdoor.com
    xx

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  6. Totally understand, I suppose everyone is a little "weird" in their own way.I for one, feel this all the time! And I suppose when we're younger especially, we feel more alienated for the things we like. I think quite possibly it is because we're not as exposed to many people to meet the ones who enjoy what we do. I know I always stuck to pretty standard things that most girls my age liked because I didn't really know any better - didn't really give myself much of an identity!

    I think it's fantastic that you are able to use blogging as a platform to express who you truly are and meet like-minded people. It truly is a welcoming, lovely environment :)

    Anna xx
    http://thefashionscents.blogspot.com.au/

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  7. I love this post! So nice to hear something personal from you, that I know must of been hard to write! But it's completely and utterly relatable to me especially! You're the least weirdest person I've come across! Your so cool, and I love your music taste! You've definitely found a friend in me lovely! :-) x

    heldtogetherbypins.blogspot.co.uk

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100 Ways to 30 Xx